Well, I experienced my first 48hr call weekend and I am exhausted. Over the course of 48hrs I lost 6 patients to multiple illnesses. Even with only 8 hrs of sleep over the weekend, the amount of death was the thing that was truly exhausting. The emotional roller coaster of talking and praying with families as we do everything to help their dying child and then praying with them after that same child dies is unexplainable. The thing that got me through was the two kids that should have died but are still alive by God’s mercy. The first was a 2 year boy with severe pneumonia who was placed on the ventilator “breathing machine” as a last ditch effort. Most patients here do not survive to come off the ventilator. All weekend I would just walk by to check on the child only to find some catastrophic disaster had occurred. Every time, God gave me clarity to figure out how to get the child stabilized. By Monday morning the child was breathing on his own and off of the ventilator. He is now out of the ICU and on the regular ward. Only by God’s grace will I see this child go home before I leave Kenya. The other child is a 1 month old baby with severe bronchiolitis. Bronchiolitis is an infection when fluid fills the lungs and makes them became stiff like a metal balloon. Unfortunately we do not have ventilators for infants, which could have easily supported this child until his lungs healed. But as he worsened, the last maneuver I could try was endotrachael CPAP in which a breathing tube is placed in his throat. Oxygen and pressure is delivered through the tube into the lungs to allow the baby to breathe easier and not have to work so hard to breathe air into his lungs. This baby is a true fighter and he would ripe the tube out of his throat which was keeping him alive. After multiple re-insertions of the tube he was still alive and thriving on Monday. The most sobering reminder of why we are here was when I read the nursing note in his chart that said “may we continue to observe God’s miracle at work in this child.” Thank you God for the grace we experience on a daily basis.

In medicine we often feel that our decisions and action are responsible for the life and death of patients. We feel like we must do things under our own strength to save lives. But what I am reminded here is that God is in control and I can only make it through another decision or another moment by His guidance and support. I only want to work as a physician if He is the one guiding my mind and my heart as I practice.